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Thread: Atheist Jokes

  1. #1
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    Atheist Jokes

    Q: Why did the atheist throw her watch out the window?
    A: She wanted to see if it was designed intelligently enough to evolve into a bird.

    Q: What is so ironic about Atheists?
    A: They’re always talking about God.

    Q: Did you hear about the the evangelical atheist?
    A: She went door to door with a book full of blank pages.

    Q: How does an Athesist girl have her hair done?
    A: In big bangs!

    Q: Why does an atheist wear red suspenders?
    A: To keep his pants from being taken up to heaven during the rapture.

    Q: What do you call an intelligent American?
    A: Atheist.

    Q: Why did the Atheist cross the road?
    A: He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldn’t believe it until he tested his hypothesis.

    Q: How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.

    Q: Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations?
    A: Because they don’t believe in higher powers.

    Q: How do you make an atheist appreciate life?
    A: Break his legs.

    Two cannibals are eating an atheist, and one says to the other,
    "Can you believe the way this guy tastes?"

    Q: How many creationists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None! They've invented torches!

    If money is the root of all evil, then why do they ask for it in church?

    Fly in My Soup

    Atheist: What’s this fly doing in my soup?
    Waiter: Praying.
    Atheist: Very funny. I can’t eat this. Take it back.
    Waiter: You see? The fly’s prayers were answered.

    Genie in the Lamp

    An atheist buys an Ancient Roman Catholic lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it.
    Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, "I’ll grant you three wishes, Master."
    The atheist says, "I wish I could believe in you."
    The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him.
    The atheist says, "Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this."
    The genie snaps his fingers again, and suddenly atheists all over the world begin to believe in genies.
    "What about your third wish?" asks the genie.
    "Well," says the atheist, "I wish for a billion dollars."
    The genie snaps his fingers for a third time, but nothing happens.
    "What’s wrong?" asks the atheist.
    The genie shrugs and says, "Just because you believe in me, doesn’t necessarily mean that I really exist."


    Neighbors
    A Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist

    There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist.
    Every day, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her.
    He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?"

    Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?" But she kept on praying.

    One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do. As usual, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself, "Humph! I'll fix her."

    He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shouting everywhere! The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!" At hearing this, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord.

    When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was. She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn't know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!"


    Religious Shit

    Taoism
    Shit happens.

    Buddhism
    If shit happens, it's not really shit.

    Islam
    If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.

    Protestantism
    Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

    Judaism
    Why does this shit always happen to us?

    Hinduism
    This shit happened before.

    Catholicism
    Shit happens because you're bad.

    Hare Krishna
    Shit happens rama rama.

    T.V. Evangelism
    Send more shit.

    Atheism
    No shit.

    Jehova's Witness
    Knock knock, shit happens.

    Hedonism
    There's nothing like a good shit happening.

    Christian Science
    Shit happens in your mind.

    Agnosticism
    Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.

    Rastafarianism
    Let's smoke this shit.

    Existentialism
    What is shit anyway?

    Stoicism
    This shit doesn't bother me.

    Loch Ness Monster

    An atheist was rowing at the lake, when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat.

    He panicked and shouted "God help me!", and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just stopped.

    A voice from the heavens boomed "You say you dont believe in me, but now you are asking for my help?"

    The atheist looked up and said: Well, ten seconds ago I didnt believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!

    Kittens
    A man sees a boy with a box of kittens
    The man goes over and says "Oh what cute kittens!"
    The boy replies "Yes they are Christian kittens".
    About a week later the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens.
    Once again he walks over and says "my, those are just adorable!"
    The boy replies "Yes, they are atheist kittens"
    The man asks "wait, weren't they christian before?"
    The boy looks at the man and says "Yeah but they have their eyes open now"

    Orangutan

    One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.

    Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"

    "Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself “Oh God, I’m screwed!!!!!. ” There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: “No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you. ” So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: “Okay . . . . . NOW you’re screwed.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    During the Reign of Terror of the French Revolution, one morning’s executions began with three men: a rabbi, a Catholicpriest, and a rationalist skeptic.

    The rabbi was marched up onto the platform first. There, facing the guillotine, he was asked if he had any last words. And the rabbi cried out, “I believe in the one and only true God, and He shall save me.” The executioner then positioned the rabbi below the blade, set the block above his neck, and pulled the cord to set the terrible instrument in motion. The heavy cleaver plunged downward, searing the air. But then, abruptly, it stopped with a crack just a few inches above the would-be victim’s neck. To which the rabbi said, “I told you so.”
    “It’s a miracle!” gasped the crowd. And the executioner had to agree, letting the rabbi go.
    Next in line was the priest. Asked for his final words, he declared, “I believe in Jesus Christ the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost who will rescue me in my hour of need.” The executioner then positioned this man beneath the blade. And he pulled the cord. Again the blade flew downward thump! creak! …stopping just short of its mark once more.
    “Another miracle!” sighed the disappointed crowd. And the executioner for the second time had no choice but to let the condemned go free.
    Now it was the skeptic’s turn. “What final words have you to say?” he was asked. But the skeptic didn’t hear. Staring intently at the ominous engine of death, he seemed lost. Not until the executioner poked him in the ribs and the question was asked again did he reply.
    “Oh, I see your problem,” the skeptic said pointing. “You’ve got a blockage in the gear assembly, right there!”
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    An atheist was walking through the woods one day, admiring all that evolution had created. Suddenly he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw an 8 foot grizzly bear beginning to charge toward him.

    He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him Running faster yet, he looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding in his chest. He tried to run faster. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground.
    As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him. The atheist cried…”GOD DAMN!…”
    Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from the sky.
    “YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON’T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. NOW, YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU AND DAMN THIS BEAR? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A CHRISTIAN?”
    The atheist looked directly into the light and said, “Why don’t you try and make the bear a Christian?”
    “VERY WELL,” said the voice. The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed. … and the bear dropped down to his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: “Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive.”



    God Bless.
    Last edited by CWH; 05-13-2014 at 03:23 AM.
    Ask and You shall receive,
    Seek and You shall find,
    Knock and the door will be open unto You.

  2. #2
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    Part 2

    An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.” The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?” “Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly. “Okay,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?” The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.” To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know shit?” And then she went back to reading her book.


    An elderly rabbi was once on an airplane to Israel sitting next to a self-professed atheist. They were amicably chatting the whole trip. Every now and then, the rabbi’s grandchild, sitting in another row, would come over to him, bringing him a drink, or asking if he could get anything to make him more comfortable. After this happened several times, the atheist sighed, “I wish my grandchildren would treat me with such respect. They hardly even say hello to me. What’s your secret?” The rabbi replied: “Think about it. To my grandchildren, I am two generations closer to Adam and Eve, the two individuals made by the hand of G‑d. So they look up to me. But according to the philosophy which you teach your grandchildren, you are two generations closer to being an ape. So why should they look up to you?” -


    An atheist is a person with no invisible means of support.

    Atheism is a religion in the same way that “not collecting stamps” is a hobby.

    Blasphemy is a victimless crime.

    Atheists do it without guilt.

    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


    Q.* Why are atheist funerals so sad?

    A.* Because the person is all dressed up with no place to go.

    Q.* How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A.* None.* They’re already enlightened.

    Q.* Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
    A.* He stayed awake all night wondering if dog existed.

    Q.* What does an atheist cry out during a moment of extreme passion?
    A.* “Oh, figment!* Oh, figment!”


    Why God never got a PhD
    1. He had only one major publication.
    2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.

    3. It has no references.
    4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.

    5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.

    6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
then?

    7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

    8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

    9. He unlawfully performed not only Animal, but *Human* testing.

    10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning his
subjects.

    11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from
the sample.

    12. He rarely came to class, just told his students to read the book.

    13. Some say he had his son to teach the class.

    14. He expelled his first two students for learning.

    15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students
failed his tests.

    16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.


    The drunk in the cathedral
    A drunk staggered down the main street of the town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to a cathedral and into the entrance, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
    A priest had observed all this, and figured the fellow needed some help, so he entered his side of the confessional. After the priest sat there in deathly silence, he finally asked, "May I help you, my son?"
    "I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any paper on your side?"


    Bible class
    In Sunday school, Sister Mary asked the class: "What part of the body goes to heaven first?"
    In the back of the class, nasty Billy waved his hand frantically, but Sister Mary, suspecting a wrong answer, turned to another child. "Yes, Susan?"
    "The heart goes to heaven first because that's where God's love lives."
    "Excellent," said Sister Mary, "and you, Charlotte?"
    "The soul, Sister Mary, because that's the part that lives beyond death."
    "Very good, Charlotte," said the Sister, as she noticed Billy's hand still waving in desperation."
    "OK, Billy, what do you think?"
    "It's the feet that go first, Sister, the feet."
    "That's a strange answer Billy. Why the feet?"
    Billy answered, "Because I saw my mom with her feet up in the air, shouting, 'God, I'm coming, I'm coming!'"


    Poor blind Herbie
    Poor little Herbie. Since his birth, poor blind Herbie had never seen the light of day. One day at bedtime, his mother told him that the next day would be a very special one. If he prayed extra hard to Jesus, he'd be able to see when he woke up the next morning.
    Eagerly, Herbie crouched down on his knees beside his bed and put his hands together. For hours, he prayed and prayed to Jesus.
    The next morning Herbie's mother came into his room and gently woke him from his sleep.
    "Well Herbie, open your eyes and you'll know that Jesus answered your prayers."
    Little Herbie slowly opened his eyes, only to cry out, "Mother! Mother! I STILL CAN'T SEE!"
    "I know, dear," said his mother. "APRIL FOOL!"


    Jesus' dad
    Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.
    "See here, old fellow," said Jesus kindly, "this is heaven. The sun is shining, you've got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play-- you're supposed to be blissfully happy! What's wrong?
    "Well," said the old man, "you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here in heaven I was hoping more than anything to find him."
    "Tears sprang from Jesus' eyes. "FATHER!" he cried.
    The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, "PINOCCHIO!"


    Top 21 Good Things About Hell

    21. None of that annoying check-in procedure like with St. Peter.
    20. Due to recent health code changes, vats of boiling brimstone now use low-fat canola oil.
    19. Your "Do you smell something burning?" slays 'em, year after year.
    18. Plenty of legal help available for filing "wrongful death" lawsuit.
    17. Newly passed law: Three strikes and you're back in LA.
    16. Satan's confused attempts to torture masochists can be highly entertaining.
    15. No need to pack the parka over Bob Dole's election chances.
    14. Well, sure, it's hot, but it's a *dry* heat.
    13. Free prostate checks and PAP smears administered daily!
    12. The surprisingly entertaining "Hitler and Kathie Lee Show."
    11. Every Thursday is Karaoke Night, hosted by Dean Martin and Sammy Davis, Jr.
    10. Prizes awarded for best crank phone calls to God.
    9. Everywhere you look, there's a smoking section!
    8. Big step up from Bakersfield.
    7. Your little "blue flame" trick now produces spectacular results.
    6. Free Microsoft software for everyone (as per agreement made back in early 80's).
    5. Now that you've followed her advice, you just might get that date with Cindy Crawford.
    4. 52 smmmmmokin' channels of Jim Carrey!
    3. Saturday night WWF tag-team bout between Genghis Khan, Vlad the Impaler, and Hitler.
    2. Everyone gets a length of pipe and a daily crack at Nancy Kerrigan's knee.
    1. Fortune to be made on "Welcome, O.J." t-shirts.


    The Burgler

    Ted Vogel says the burglar was cruising through one of our posh suburbs looking for a target of opportunity. At one house he saw a truck unloading a big screen television, stereo, and video outfit. All the gear had to cost thousands of dollars. He made a mental note and went on his way. 
The next day he was back in the same neighborhood. When he drove past the house with all the goodies, he saw an elderly couple loading suitcases into the trunk of their car. He could hardly wait.
    That night, without a moon in the sky and a heavy fog, he drove up to the house. He rang the doorbell and when no one answered, broke the lock on the kitchen door and went in.
    It was pitch black inside as he made his way through the kitchen, then the dining room and into the den where he expected to find the things he wanted to steal.
    "I see you and Jesus sees you," a voice said.
    The burglar froze in his tracks.
    "I see you and Jesus sees you," the voice said again.
    When nothing more happened, the burglar took out his flashlight and shinned it in the direction of the voice. All he saw was a parrot on its perch.
    "I see you and Jesus sees you."
    The burglar laughed.
    "Just a dumb bird," he said.
    The burglar closed the drapes before turning on a lamp and that's when he saw a big and mean looking Doberman Pincher sitting beneath the parrot's perch.
    "Sic him, Jesus!" the parrot said.


    Welcome to Hell
by Rorke Haining

    A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor.
    He thinks to himself "I know I lead a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this." Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.
    Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?
    Guy: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.
    Counselor: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?
    Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
    Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much a you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?
    Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
    Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?
    Guy: Well in my younger days I experimented a little.
    Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?
    Guy: Yes, I love to gamble.
    Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?
    Guy: Uhh...no.
    Counselor: Oh , you're gonna hate Fridays...


    A bus full of nuns plummets off a cliff. They all die. The nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
    "And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
    "Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."
    "OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
    The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."
    "OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
    Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.
    "Well, now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.
    "Well, your holiness," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"


    The priest in a small village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out behind the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.
    Well, one Saturday night, the cock rooster was missing, and because the priest had heard that cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to question his parishioners about it at church the next morning.
    At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Who's got a cock?"
    All the men stood up.
    "No, No," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
    All the women stood up.
    "No, No," he said, "That wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
    Half the women stood up.
    "No, No," he said, "I meant: Has anybody seen MY cock?"
    Up stood five nuns, three altar boys, and two priests...


    Marrying an atheist
    "Mother, I can't marry him," moaned the love-stricken girl, "Last night he told me he was an atheist and he doesn't believe in hell."
"Now you go right ahead and marry him," replied the mother, "and between the two of us we'll show him he's wrong."


    A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good- natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?" And a great voice w as heard from above: "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"



    God Bless.
    Last edited by CWH; 05-15-2014 at 12:00 AM.
    Ask and You shall receive,
    Seek and You shall find,
    Knock and the door will be open unto You.

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