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  1. #21
    Question: Am I wrong for asking him to pay rent or leave?

    Joe
    He'll learn faster if you kick him out of the house. He won't take that $300 per month seriously enough so you'll be constantly trying to collect money from him. Let some other apartment owner collect from him.

    I raised two sons who were 16 months apart and when they were old enough to work, I stopped giving them money. I told them I wouldn't pay for their drugs or alcohol anymore. That was over ten years ago and my oldest put himself through college and his brother is becoming a master air conditioning and heating technician in San Jose, CA.

    Some teenagers need to figure things out before they can adjust themselves into society and most of them turn out to be good, hard working people. I can think of a lot worse things to do to a son than kicking him out of the house. And that is giving him everything he wants.

  2. #22
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Word View Post
    He'll learn faster if you kick him out of the house. He won't take that $300 per month seriously enough so you'll be constantly trying to collect money from him. Let some other apartment owner collect from him.

    I raised two sons who were 16 months apart and when they were old enough to work, I stopped giving them money. I told them I wouldn't pay for their drugs or alcohol anymore. That was over ten years ago and my oldest put himself through college and his brother is becoming a master air conditioning and heating technician in San Jose, CA.

    Some teenagers need to figure things out before they can adjust themselves into society and most of them turn out to be good, hard working people. I can think of a lot worse things to do to a son than kicking him out of the house. And that is giving him everything he wants.
    That sounds like sound advice to me.

    But it's hard to know what would really help since we are all viewing the situation from the outside.
    • Skepticism is the antiseptic of the mind.
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  3. #23
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
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    Lake district U.K
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    314
    Quote Originally Posted by Rose View Post
    Hi Alec,



    The word "Honor" loses its meaning if it is applied to those who are unworthy of what it stands for. To give someone honor simply because they have a child is not what is meant by honoring your father and mother. For my words and actions of honoring someone to have any real meaning they must come from what I feel in my heat to be true; it is better to say nothing than give false honor to someone who does not deserve it.

    Blessings,
    Rose
    Hello Rose
    That was my point precisely. Obedience to the divine law is not (as most evangelists will tell you ) like floating on a cloud . It calls for a monumental effort. The commandment does not say "love your neighbour if he is lovely" . It does not mean ."you must not be jealous of your neighbour exept when he has something that you can't have" . The commandments are unhesitant. Jesus said " If you do that you are no different than the pharisees or the heathen. " When I say that love is the most painfull experience , then people fall over laughing. Parents love their own children. If they were to extend that same level of love to all children then it would require a heart like a lion to bear the burden. The love which God demands of us is and must be active and not passive. It is something that we must do.
    Wisdom is found in the house of mourning. Laughter in the mouth of fools.
    Alec

  4. #24
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    South Carolina
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    2,958
    Hello Rose
    That was my point precisely. Obedience to the divine law is not (as most evangelists will tell you ) like floating on a cloud . It calls for a monumental effort. The commandment does not say "love your neighbour if he is lovely" . It does not mean ."you must not be jealous of your neighbour exept when he has something that you can't have" . The commandments are unhesitant. Jesus said " If you do that you are no different than the pharisees or the heathen. " When I say that love is the most painfull experience , then people fall over laughing. Parents love their own children. If they were to extend that same level of love to all children then it would require a heart like a lion to bear the burden. The love which God demands of us is and must be active and not passive. It is something that we must do.
    Wisdom is found in the house of mourning. Laughter in the mouth of fools.
    Alec
    Reply With Quote
    Greetings Alec. Let's make this simple. I fully understand what you're saying, and I agree with it. But saying and doing are two different things.

    I want my son to leave home so that he can learn the hard way how hard life can be when you have no self-promotions or ambitions to better yourself, or obtain a higher degree of eduction, thus increasing his chances of financial success (not necessarily wealth).

    It's obvious he does not honor me as his father, and he loves his mother more as a friend. His mother lacks true parenting skills, and believes that a child happiness is more important that her own. Meaning she's willing to sacrifice everything in order for her children to have what ever they want; even if that means dishonoring her husband betrothed to her.

    Should I ask him to leave despite his mother's disagreement?

    Joe
    Israel is more than just a race; it is more than just a nation; it is the people of God, from faith, by faith, and only faith. Those who assemble in the name of Christ Jesus, embrance Israel because they are Israel

  5. #25
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
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    4,313
    Hi Joe,

    It's too bad that many people don't realize they can be parents and friends with their children (it seems like maybe your wife does). Most parents have many more years of adult relationships with their children than they do of being their guardian, so why not begin to develop that from the start.

    I am very fortunate to have a very good relationship with both my boys, who are 14 and 18. When guidance is needed I can supply it, but they are also individual people whom I can also have a friendship with. One aspect of the relationship does not have to be given up to have the other.

    Blessings,
    Rose
    Never trust anything you are afraid to question ~

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  6. #26
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
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    South Carolina
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    Hi Joe,

    It's too bad that many people don't realize they can be parents and friends with their children (it seems like maybe your wife does). Most parents have many more years of adult relationships with their children than they do of being their guardian, so why not begin to develop that from the start.

    I am very fortunate to have a very good relationship with both my boys, who are 14 and 18. When guidance is needed I can supply it, but they are also individual people whom I can also have a friendship with. One aspect of the relationship does not have to be given up to have the other.

    Blessings,
    Rose
    I agree, but with my wife, she does not know how to be a Parent. Her only aspect of raising children is being a friend. And when it comes to discipline, she passes the buck to me, but does not agree with my method.

    I grew up during the age of spankings. People in our day who assume that spanking a child raises violent adults are crazy, and/or being misled. I've been spanked numerous times, and it worked. Sure I'm not perfect, but I respect people more than my family has been taught to do; at least I try to respect people.

    I was raised in an environment that taught me to say "Yes Ma'am" or "Yes Sir", which is the polite thing to do. Not so with my step children. They have never been taught to respect their elders, nor even themselves.

    My wife tries too hard to be their friends, and not their parent. A friend cannot deal with a child’s poor conduct at school. A friend cannot punish their children when they are caught stealing what does not belong to them (such as my 4 wheeler). Yes, my own step-son staged a break-in of my house so he could have my 4 wheeler. But because I cannot prove it, I have no choice but to take his word that "he didn't do it". I know that he did because I found a picture of my 4wheeler 6 months after it was missing, on Craigslist with his girl-friends 4 wheeler for sale right next to mine. He was trying to get rid of it when he assumed I found out and was going to the police. To date, I'm not sure if he has it anymore.

    He refuses to contribute to my house, does absolutely no chores, doesn't even make his own bed, and utilizes my utilities FOR FREE. Is it right that a child be given whatever he/she wants simply for the sake of happiness, without showing gratitude in return?

    If his mother would back me up, she would not have to worry about her son leaving her. He loves her enough to tolerate whatever demands or expectancies I may have on him.

    What am I asking him to do? Help out around the house, and/or the yard. Make his own bed, help out with the dishes, or take out the garbage when the lid is no longer able to contain it. That's all I'm asking. But he refuses to do anything because he claims that it wasn't his fault that his mother married me, so he feels "Entitled" to all the benefits of adulthood, without the responsibility or its costs.

    So in this situation, friendship is out of the question. What he's lacking is respect, discipline, and appreciation for the burden of living expenses that others are paying for; he believes he's entitled to free living expenses, but yet expects the right to live as a free adult WITHOUT its cost or responsibility. All so he can save his own pay-check and buy the neat toys. If his mother would stop being his friend, then perhaps we would have more cohesion within the family. But he's doing what he does best; playing our differences and constantly splits his mother and I apart.

    So I've come to the conclusion that asking him to leave is the best thing for him.

    Joe
    Last edited by TheForgiven; 11-24-2010 at 11:07 AM.
    Israel is more than just a race; it is more than just a nation; it is the people of God, from faith, by faith, and only faith. Those who assemble in the name of Christ Jesus, embrance Israel because they are Israel

  7. #27
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    1,111
    Sorry for your family issues Joe. Parents can never be their childrens 'friends'.... When 'our' children stop being children is the time to be 'friends'.... this happens around age '25'. Your relationship with your step children were doomed from the day you were married (I have a step brother and sister and a 'real' brother and sister, I am from a 'blended' family). You and your wife needed to agree on how to handle the issues of 'the children' before you were married. Your wife failed in this in not handling it herself or not supporting you to handle it, being divided on these children issues are easy for the children to spot and take advanage of. This will forever be a thorn in your marriage when it comes to 'her' children. The boy is old enough and is emancipated. He is of age and can take care of himself. If he wishes to stay he must abide by rules, your rules not his mothers. It is your house and you are her husband and she will follow the rules that you set down for him to abide by. The rules do not have to be 'harsh' in 'room and board', but what is really lacking is the respect that is do you. I would think that there have been a lot of 'issuse' with 'the children' that has come between you and your wife. If she was 'looking' for a man to 'raise' her kids... that has been done.Men make boys into men, your wife has made her son into bum, it is up to him if he wishes to remain a bum, you can do no more becasue of his age, he has to decide to 'live or die'. You have no respect or support from your wife on these issuse and it will never get any better than it already is. If you are thinking of a 'seperation' it is paramount for HER to leave not you. it is your house and she and her son should leave and think what they wish to do for the rest of their life. YOU can Never Make Anyone Change.... you can only change yourself. you have made 'Life' to 'easy' for your stepchildren for the last ten years and they have learned nothing but disrespect to you. You and your wife have to sit down and discuss all of your issues and agree. The first is that the step son must pay rent and board.... any amout that helps with food, elec., water. He must and will help pay expences that he incures. 'If' he has no job.... all of his 'cars' and 'stuff' will not be paid by you or his mother and he will 'earn' in food and roof... Where does his 'girl friend' live? not with you I hope.... they are both 'of age' and can get a 'house' of their own. You and your wife should have fought these battles with each other and her kids, ten years ago. The damage may now be to great to repair. Are you better off 'with her' or 'without her'.... if she is not now willing to 'straighten' out her kids she never will and you will fight this fight til the day you die or until the day that you tell her to get out also. Do it now, before you end up hating each other.
    Last edited by Brother Les; 11-24-2010 at 01:04 PM.
    Brother Les

  8. #28
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    South Carolina
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    2,958
    Brother LES. You took the words right from my mouth. While I agree with sister Rose, that Parents should also learn to be friends with their children, but parenthood should always come first, then friendship.

    Jesus is our Lord, as well as our Friend. He is our friend for companionship, but our Lord for discipline.

    Thanks for your encouragement.

    God bless.

    Joe
    Israel is more than just a race; it is more than just a nation; it is the people of God, from faith, by faith, and only faith. Those who assemble in the name of Christ Jesus, embrance Israel because they are Israel

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