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shalag
02-18-2008, 07:55 PM
Out of the mouths of babes............. : )


The Bible explained by kids - truth has been
redefined!

One of our favorite jobs has been leading junior
church. We try to do more than baby-sit our church's
beloved little ankle-biters during their time in our
special junior church facility. We aim to give them a
solid background in biblical history. At the end of
each year, we give them pencils and paper and ask them
to chronicle what they have learned. This assignment
never fails to elicit some intriguing responses.

In case you're a little foggy on your biblical
history, let our junior church students help you with
this complete overview of the Bible, compiled from
their essays:

In the beginning, which occurred near the start,
there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The
Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I think He
must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give
me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were
naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors
hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God
by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the
Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in
though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his
brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the
early people died off, except for Methuselah, who
lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who
was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a ham.
Noah built a large boat and put his family and some
animals on it. He asked some other people to join him,
but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob
was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau
sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot
roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really
loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real
name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights
out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God
sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues
included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God
fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then
He gave them His top ten Commandments. These include
don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your
neighbor's bottom (the Bible uses a bad word for
bottom that I'm not supposed to say. But my Dad uses
it sometimes when he talks about the President). Oh,
yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor they father
and they mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the
first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle
of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by
killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named
Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My
teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very
wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major
league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was
swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the
shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I
guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament.
Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in
Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a
barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me,
'Close the door! Were you born in a barn' It would be
nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with
sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus
also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas
Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a
terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards
and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But
the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial
before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for
Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back
to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back
at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in
the book of Revolution.

Richard Amiel McGough
02-18-2008, 10:59 PM
:lol:

Too true!