“It is a hard thing to look at the truth when it runs contrary to what you’ve always believed,” writes Ordway about the atheism of her youth and 20s. “I was not looking for God. Make no mistake. I did not believe that He existed. I was a college professor — logical, intellectual, rational — and an atheist.”
What happened? Fundamentally, a change in her worldview began to occur at age 31 along with a struggle in her own will.
“I was drawn, against my conscious will, and against my own inclination, to be interested in matters of faith,” Ordway writes.
Nonetheless, “My naturalistic worldview was inadequate to explain the nature of reality in a coherent way: it could not explain the origin of the universe, nor could it explain morality,” Ordway says.
On the other hand, she came to acknowledge, “the theistic worldview was both consistent and powerfully explanatory: it offered a convincing, rationally consistent, and logical explanation for everything that the naturalistic worldview explained plus all the things that the naturalistic worldview couldn’t.”
With the care, direction and support of the Runyans, Ordway also came to realize the pride that was at root of her atheism, she writes.
“At the heart of atheism is an appealing premise: ‘My
will be done, not Yours.’ If atheism is true, and there is no God, then everything really is all about me, and what I want, and what I can get,” she recently blogged
. “No wonder it strikes such a chord in our self-obsessed culture.”