If English is easy, think again:
Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Hotel, Vienna: IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
Doctor's office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
In an Italian cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Hotel brochure, Italy: THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
In a Swiss Mountain inn: SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer in Germany: DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
On the grounds of a private school in Scotland: NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
Hotel catering to skiers, Austria: NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.
Taken from a menu, Poland: SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.
From the "Soviet Weekly": HERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
Australia & New Zealand (say, don't they speak English there?)
On a poster in Sydney : ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
In a New Zealand restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
On a highway sign in Australia: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER; THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
NEW ADDITIONS FROM CHINA
In 2002, a sign in front of a rock garden in the Forbidden City in Beijing warned tourists: PLEASE DO NOT CLIMB THE ROCKETRY.
Sign over the information booth in a Beijing railroad station: QUESTION AUTHORITY
Included with the package of complimentary wares in a Chinese hotel was a pair of workout shorts marked: UNCOMPLIMENTARY PANTS.
A paragliding site near Beijing has a sign that reads: SITE OF JUMPING UMBRELLA.
The translation of the Ethnic Minorities Park in Beijing for a long time was RACIST PARK.
Road closed with a signboard : "Road Closed for No Fucking Reason".
A Big Signboard on a StarBucks restaurant in China: "StarFucks".
—From the BBC News (http://news.bbc.co.uk:80/2/hi/asia-p.../6052800.stm); brought to our attention by Susan Lister.
Supermarket, Hong Kong: FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
Booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan: COOLES AND HEATES; IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
Translated from Japanese to English and included in the instructions for a soap bubble gun: WHILE SOLUTION IS NOT TOXIC IT WILL NOT MAKE CHILD EDIBLE.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIORS IN BED.
Car rental brochure, Tokyo: WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.
Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand: PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.
In an East African newspaper: A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On a South African building: MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.
In a South African maternity ward: NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
Mexico and South America
Hotel, Acapulco: THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
Author: Unknown / Contributor: Deane Rothenmaier (most items)
Discovered by Susan Lister:
In a restaurant window: "DON'T STAND THERE AND BE HUNGRY. COME ON IN AND GET FED UP."
NEW: Translator Brett Jocelyn Epstein's favorite menu entries:
A rasher of joints
Duck with dry fruits and jewels
Well-hung meat (aged?)
Laughter is the Best Medicine; but who created laughter? God! Amen